Through The Miracle Of Science

“…and so Hopkins I’ve concluded that the legumes are as much the victims as you or I.”

“But I don’t really see how you can…”

“Victims! My studies have proven beyond doubt that we are all victims of intolerant wheat! The tetraploids are a particularly nasty bunch of bast…”

“Professor surely you are getting confused with an intolerance to wheat? Although I’m not sure where the legumes fit into…”

“Confused? Intolerance? This is exactly the kind of narrow minded thinking that holds you back Hopkins! Our human intolerance to wheat is simply the inherently intolerant nature of the wheat itself manifesting in us post-digestion. Concotionem ergo victim.”

“But I still don’t understand where the leg…”

“Honestly Hopkins I wonder sometimes why you are in the Department of Genetic Frippery at all, it doesn’t seem to…”

“Well you’ve been keeping me prisoner here ever since I took a wrong turn outside the herbal warfare block Professor and…”

“I’m sensing an intolerance in you. Try a lettuce wrap for lunch tomorrow. Now where was I…ah yes! Legumes! Would you believe I caught a couple of grains taunting some mung beans yesterday in the cafeteria? I’m sadly not surprised to see that kind of behaviour in the common wheat but even the durum was getting in on the act. And the things they said to the pigeon peas was quite unrepeatable. Why can’t they be more like spelt Hopkins?”

“Spelt Professor?”

“Spelt Hopkins! An all round classier grain that one. You wouldn’t catch spelt casting aspersions upon the parentage of a peanut I can tell you.”

“Is there anything that can be done Professor?”

“Well…there does seem to be some promising data coming out of the torrefaction lab but they do lose a lot of personality after all that heat treatment…Truthfully Hopkins I’m at a bit of a loss. What do you propose we do?”

“Well…I suppose you could…well have you tried flaking them?”

“Lunch Hopkins. What do you propose we do for lunch? They’ve got tuna-friendly dolphin steaks on special, served on a bed of de-sensitised barley with a lobotomised rapeseed foam. Flaking? Really Hopkins, where do you get these outlandish notions…”


Header image:

“WheatFlower1”. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons –

6 thoughts on “Through The Miracle Of Science

  1. “Haha what the hell!?” Was my general thought reading this. A funny one, good sir. I’d love to work at that department. But I imagine I’d have to smoke weeds, right?

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s exactly the reaction I was looking for Tobbe 🙂 My brain goes to weird places occasionally and I think it’s only fair that I drag innocent blog readers along for the roadtrip. You are correct that you’d need to smoke weeds out of their weed-holes (like a fox-hole but more vegan) but on the bright side you’ll get a sprout allowance written in to your contract.


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