For Your Consideration

Language is a funny thing.

Try to bear that in mind while you are reading this post and, if you are so inclined, chortle out a chuckle every now and then.

*WARNING: Unplanned digression in five…four…*

Enough ellipses already. I’m like totally down with the kids. Lolz.

As an aside I just typed the word post and for some reason my weird internal Libre Office predictive text thingamawotsit keeps suggesting I say post-office-cum-shop.

Obvs.

Normally I’d be like that’s so on fleek but like I totally can’t remember like even scribing it.

As Owl once said to Winnie the Pooh, “Enough of this infernal folderol.”

As Owl did not ever (to my knowledge) say to Winnie the Pooh “Get to the effing point Welshie.”

The particularly rubbish words I used in the last couple of pseudo-paragraphs are in celebration of the new top-ten words that have been added to the Collins English dictionary this year. Apparently all the other words vote on their favourites and then it gets put forward to a committee chaired by the most important words like Antidisestablishmentarianism and Shiraz.

At least that’s how I hope it works.

Obvs makes me laugh so I use it. Lolz makes me want to punch people in the face. Fleek (or indeed on fleek) makes me want to punch Kardashians in the face while I lolz myself to death. Obvs.

There are some crackers in the list I have to admit.

To begin, Binge-Watch: to watch a large number of television programmes in succession.

Bonus points if they are all from one series. Guilty as charged on all counts atleastbeforethekidswereborn, no further questions m’lud.

Dadbod: an untoned and slightly plump male physique.

Apparently bonus points are on offer here if considered attractive. This is why I run. Let’s not mention the half a bottle of pinot noir that washed down the cream and blueberry filled meringue I had after supper.

Shaming: The act or practice of attempting to embarrass a person or group by drawing attention to their perceived offence, especially on social media.

Is this really a new word? I’m sure this was around before now. I refuse to accept the newness of this one. Any social media folks wishing to argue must do so in under 140 characters and in grammatically correct Ingerlish.

Corbynomics: the economic policies advocated by Jeremy Corbyn (leader of the UK Labour Party from 2015).

I don’t wish to appear churlish but it does seem like the gun has been Ben Johnsoned on this one. I’m long removed from UK politics but even a year ago I suspect most Labour supporters would have referred to him as Jeremy Who (son of Dr and Mrs) so to have a word named after him already seems a bit prem (that’s premature for you non-hipster folk).

I wonder if we will have Zumanomics here in South Africa. Apparently there’s an eleventy-seven percent chance.

Clean eating: the practice of following a diet that contains only natural foods and is low in sugar, salt and fat.

Not wishing to be picky (unlike all the people who follow any sort of dietary practice) but this strikes me as being two words. You could have at least used a hyphen. It’s not like it’s made from wheat.

Ghosting: the act or instance of ending a romantic relationship by not responding to attempts to communicate by the other party.

This one is brilliant. Back in the good old days when people had a physical presence rather than just an online one this would have been solved by just sitting outside your beloved’s house waiting until they had to leave for milk or bread. In our brave new world of online shopping and restraining orders people can get away with this shit so much more easily.

More is the pity.

Swipe: to move a finger across a touchscreen or an electronic device as a means of inputting a command.

I’m not convinced this is new. I think the truth here is that Apple and Samsung have been arguing about who invented the swipe and after a decade or so the word is now in the public domain.

Contactless: referring to payment systems which use RFID technology and do not require a customer’s signature or PIN number.

Is this really a new thing? We’ve had this in Africa for ages – it’s called fraud. Apparently in other parts of the world RFID stands for Radio Frequency Identification – round these parts it’s more like Requires Fuck-All Identification.

Manspreading: the practice by a male passenger on public transport of sitting with his legs wide apart, so denying space to passengers beside him.

When I heard this on the radio earlier I nearly collapsed. Especially when someone phoned in and asked if you are trapped between two manspreaders do you become a mandwich?

…and finally…Transgender: of or relating to a person whose gender does not fully correspond to the sex assigned to them at birth.

I could spend a week on this one. The part that says does not fully correspond suggests that there is some sort of sliding scale of gender. I’m no expert but I don’t think that’s how it works. Is there some sort of tipping point of which I was not made aware?

“Hello. I’m Bruce and I’m 39.26% female.”

“Hi Bruce. Good job you’re not another 0.74% female or we might have to start called you Cait.”

Maybe it’s just my brain coupled with a late night and some red wine but there’s something about the sex assigned to them at birth that sounds almost around-the-time-of-the-second-world-war-in-a-country-close-to-France-esque in its level of dogmatism.

“That one there.”

“The slightly yellow one with the brown eyes?”

“Yes. That one. I assign its sex as female.”

“But Mein Führer it clearly has a wink…”

“FEMALE. Donner und blitzen, must I…what is it now?”

“It’s Eva. Says it’s important.”

“Tell I her I do not exist. I am nothing. I am not here.”

“Ghosting Mein Führer?”

“Obvs.”

“On fleek.”

 

Header image: “Ghostface Mask” by creepyhalloweenimages – Ghostface Mask. Licensed under CC BY 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ghostface_Mask.jpg#/media/File:Ghostface_Mask.jpg

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8 thoughts on “For Your Consideration

  1. Gender is a human invention. No rhinoceros considers HER/HIMself male, female, trans-person, queer, gay or any other affiliation. Not only is that an argument to get rid of the term “transgender” but also a reason to get rid of gender altogether. “But how do I feel? Do I feel like a male? Well I don’t hunt and I don’t work in a heavy industry. Perhaps I’m a female. Then again I will most likely not be able to give birth to a child. Although some people who consider themselves female can’t give birth. Ah, but there’s an anatomy issue. I don’t have a vagina. I can make myself one of those. But then, people will say, I am not naturally a woman. Huh? How can’t that argument be true? I’m definitely natural. I’m a breathing, living animal, interacting with nature, such as it is, all the time. One of the things I’m most sure about is that I’m living and also a part of an ecosystem. By that logic my vagina is also natural since I made it without the use of sorcery. ‘Ah but the vagina wasn’t existing on you naturally’, some might say. But that is just changing the definition of nature. A tree planted in a forest wasn’t existing there naturally before it was planted. And also, why do I need a vagina? What the hell is this sexually focused discussion about? Is everything about sex? Not about identity. Maybe I wan’t to be completely asexual, but identify with females anyway? Why can’t I do that? Ah to hell with it all. I’m a man. It’s just waaaay easier. As far as hunting and working in heavy industry, that’s someone else’s definition. I use my right to create my own definition. I’m a gonfluxer. Just because I can and because no one has yet used it.”

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Right – settle down – Somebody get Tobias a vagina and point out the whole morass of notthatnicereallybutwedon’tmakeafussbecausewearewomen that goes with it. Huh – he’ll be sending that back early doors.

    Second will somebody tell Nik that yes his post was like so funny I was like ROFLMAO but would you also take him into a corner and point out that PIN stands for Personal Identification Number so if I just say like repetition!

    Really very funny though and I totally agree about Corbyn – I mean is that a bit previous or what!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nik has received your comment and is grateful. He is just at the post office reassigning a shipment he just received for a Mr Haglund which appears to be some sort of DIY vagina kit and will respond to you upon his return.

      Like

  3. Well I nearly choked, chorlting a chuckle on my coffee whike reading your RFID/ contactless South African explanation!
    Are you sure you don’t secretly desire to be a Kardashian love child to milk your public proclamation of your Gluten-free fetish? 
    Nik, you, red wine, late nights – so works as your muse. It’s pure gold! 👏👏👏

    Liked by 1 person

    • A bit of sick actually came up into my mouth just from typing the phrase. Seeing it on the page makes me want to poke out my eyes with a sharpened selfie-stick.

      Glad it made you laugh whether it was truly out loud or internal 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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