Deum Ex Foliolum

Today was rapidly turning into a carbon copy of yesterday which was a fairly decent approximation of the day before. At least in a writing sense.

Picture if you will, a man (devastatingly handsome, early forties). A man sitting at a desk barely aware of the wind howling outside so consumed is he with the sound of tumbleweed blowing though the desert that is his creative mind.

You can tell how bad it is from the fact that he is now trying to convince you that tumbleweed has a sound.

As he sits in a pit of pent-up rage at his own impotence he wonders why the cricket that’s been in the garden chirruping merrily for the last two days is now silent. He further wonders if it has anything to do with the dead mole from this morning and if many crickets fall as collateral damage to house cats protecting their lawn from lumps.

Further still he wonders if a pit of pent-up rage is really a suitable place to be writing this from given the history of his lower back and he thinks perhaps he should invest in a bean bag.

As one would expect, something major would be required to free him from his impotent reverie. Something like the brown monkey clinging to the branch of a pink-flowered tree that adorns the yellow wall behind him coming to life and stating, quite clearly, “If in doubt guv, write about a leaflet,” in a Dick Van Simian kind of a way before shrugging his shoulders, letting rip with a half-hearted “Ooo” and a less than convincing armpit scratch.

Fortunately I can take a hint so let me tell you all about Dr. Dulah.

Dr. Dulah is from Northern Kenya and found his way into my postbox earlier. Gods work in mysterious ways and take many forms. And they’re a dab hand at producing rainbow-coloured leaflets that promise cures for everything.

Don’t take my word for it, let’s hear a direct testimonial from one of Dr. Dulah’s happy customers.

I was working but I could not save any money because of my debts. My life changed when Dr. Juma come to my house. He gave me a MIRACLE STICK that costed R600 and he told me to keep in my wallet. Dr. Juma told me to start a small family business of my own. In only one year I managed to raise enough money to start up a super market. Presently I am owning about five markets and have my own house which is fully paid. Now I live a stress-free life with my family and all my kids are in good schools. Thanks a lot to Dr. Juma.

Call me an old cynic but if I bought a Miracle Stick for R600 I’d want one that was bigger than my wallet. You got flogged a Miracle Toothpick my friend! If only you’d insisted on a bigger stick you’d be driving a Range Rover Evoque on the school run. But don’t let that get you down. I sense you are already emotionally overwhelmed by the all round wonderfulness of Dr. Juma – not sure if he and Dr. Dulah are one and the same, an apprentice perhaps? I’m concerned that you are being shortchanged on the supermarkets however. If I owned a number of supermarkets there would be no “about” about it. I’d have three or ten or eleventy-sixty-mibillion. You see, about five, just says to me that Dr. Juma is co-opting himself into some sort of business partnership. Is he a bully, nameless-rainbow-coloured man? Your right eye looks a bit swollen in the picture to be fair so I hope this is all above board and as perfectly reasonable as it all sounds…

According to the leaflet the number of testimonies is endless. I’m already picturing a sweeping, rainbow river of testimonies washing through the dark core of my unbelieving soul. Maybe…just maybe I can be saved. Just look at the kind of problems Dr. Jumah can fix:-

  • Marriage problems
  • Sexual problems (penis cream)
  • Financial problems (luck charm)
  • Evil spirits standing in your way and your family’s way
  • Any kind of work that others failed to help you with.

However, he is keen to point out on his last bullet…

  • We do not do abortions

Glad they clarified that (A-HA so there are two of you. I knew it!). But what if the work that others failed to help you with was an actual abortion? What then Doc? Your petard is going to be well and truly hoisted by that little conundrum.

Surely no one falls for this crap?

It really is quiet outside without that cricket. Wind seems to have dropped as well. Not a peep from the cats or the dog come to think of it. Maybe I should…no…NO…how did you get in here? Wait…PLEASE WAIT, I was only joking Dr. Juma-Dulah, I’m a sad, SAD, PATHETIC man and I just wanted some cheap laughs and…NOOOO…NOT THE MIRACLE RAINBOW DEATH STICKKKK…AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH.

3 thoughts on “Deum Ex Foliolum

  1. I’m running out of new things to say to you. Your writing is wonderful as always. 😀

    I especially liked: “letting rip with a half-hearted “Ooo” and a less than convincing armpit scratch.” You’ve got a very Terry Pratchett / Douglas Adams sensibility 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • If you do run out of things to say and just want to cut and paste sections of this comment into all further posts I’ll be a very happy man 🙂 I think I’m starting to realise that my strength as a writer lies in the slightly silly – it’s when I’m at my most natural and writing becomes easy. I think over the last year I’ve been a little too caught up in being a “serious” writer and I’ve struggled at times because of it.

      This is the kind of comment that makes it all worthwhile – so thank you once again for your support and I hope to keep you entertained for a long time to come 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are most welcome! Finding and embracing your strengths is a great thing. We NEED silly writing in the world! It’s good for the soul. I too love writing humor, but I also love “serious” writing as well, so my books are a mutant crossbreed of the two. I can’t stay away from one or the other for too long.

        Liked by 1 person

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