“Mum? Have you seen my greaves?”
“They’re in the wash.”
“Oh muuuum. You know what it does to the leather.”
“The leather will be fine, there’s nothing to wor…JOHN put that cuirass back in your wardrobe you are not wearing that in this heat! I’ve ironed your hauberk, it’s on the back of the throne in the living room.”
“Fine. Whatevs.”
“Don’t you whatevs me you little…ALAN put that mead back on the counter AT ONCE! That’s for your father when he gets up. You know you can’t have any before school. Go and break your fast with the others. No I haven’t got any bloody toast. Eat your gruel and be quick about it.”
“Mum?”
“Yes John.”
“Can I take this today?”
“And what exactly are you going to do with a scimitar?”
“Duh mum. It’s like Thursday. The field trip? We’re hunting boar.”
“And you think a scimitar will help you how?”
“Pete Cooper is taking his longsw…”
“I don’t care two figs what Pete Cooper is taking on the field trip. You can pack a falchion and a single dagger and that’s my last word on the subject. And get those vambraces out of your backpack, they’re far too small for you. For the love of the gods boy don’t roll your eyes at me or so help me I’ll…”
“Mum?”
“WHAT Alan?”
“Can I take salad for lunch?”
“No you can’t take salad! I’ve already packed everything for you. Miniature wheel of cheese, leftover venison haunch and two hunks of bread. Oh and a strawberry yogurt.”
“Why can’t we just have slices of bread mum? The other kids think we’re weird.”
“I don’t have time to argue about this. Your palanquin will be here in a minute and you still need to brush your teeth. So GET MOVING…”
Header photo: “Armor stockholm” by john – armorUploaded by Urbourbo. Licensed under CC BY 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Armor_stockholm.jpg#/media/File:Armor_stockholm.jpg
Nik Eveleigh 
Wonderful – poor kids but yeah wonderful
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Thanks Diane. I’m starting to think this whole being-a-bit-silly-in-the-fantasy-genre thing is something I should pursue 🙂
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You do seem to have a knack for it and there is sadly a huge gap in the Fantasy in a silly way world isn’t there
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A big gaping hole wot I am not fit to fill in with the collective dirt of a passing army of orcs. But hey, someone has to give it a go so why not me
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Silly and funny! 🙂
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Very kind of you Tobbe – but enough about me, what did you think of the story? 🙂
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Ah a bit from the left wasn’t? Just outside of Swansea… mm love whales! And you? Doing any fishing these days?
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I went to college in Swansea. Immortalised by Dylan Thomas who described at as a ugly, lovely town. Bettered by the movie Twin Town who dubbed it a pretty, shitty city. My only fishing recently has been for compliments and they don’t tend to shoal 🙂
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Haha! I love this, this is an exact description of my mornings if you replace weapons for iPods, headphones and school jumpers. Very funny read.
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Thanks Nicola! My morning routine mostly consists of begging small children to eat in under three hours but it was enough to inspire this piece. Glad you enjoyed it – thanks for stopping by and commenting 🙂
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It’s certainly a bit different..! Is medieval reenactment another of your pastimes or did you research all the wonderful terminology especially for this piece?! Must go and look up what a palanquin is..
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I can confirm that I have never, and will never, be involved in a medieval reenactment of any kind! I knew most of the terms (cuirass was courtesy of Ser Google) but generally get them confused. My own confusion was going to be the starting point for this one (“Mum, have you seen my greaves?”, “Are they the things for your legs or your arms?”) but it morphed a little as I was writing it. I blame it all on a steady diet of fantasy, fantasy and more fantasy since reading the hobbit in junior school. I do branch out a bit these days at least 🙂 Thanks for reading and commenting – always great to get your thoughts!
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I liked it! Alot. 👍 I bet you chuckled to yourself while writing this?
There’s a gap for this style of tale telling which you’re obviously talented in. As you commented above, please write more – especially if you enjoy writing them, because it speaks volumes in your works.
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Yeah there might have been one or two chuckles as I was typing 🙂
I’ve enjoyed writing in different styles over the last few years but there’s no question that I have the most fun being a bit silly and making people laugh. I think I’ve held myself back for a long time because of some misguided notion that it wasn’t “proper writing” but I’m getting over that slowly.
Thanks for the pep talk and the lovely comment Mel – the feedback and support I’ve had from you and a few others over the last several months has helped enormously and I truly appreciate it 🙂
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I laughed out loud so many times! This is delightful.
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Always happy to hear I made someone laugh – nice way to kick off my morning! Thanks Shannon – really glad you enjoyed it.
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