Or to give it my preferred title, five things I
could should have answered differently today.
Question 1: Morning. How’s it going?
Answer: Fine thanks, and you?
Better answer: I’ll say it’s fine and we both know it isn’t. I’ll then ask you how’s it going with you and you’ll say it’s fine and we both know it isn’t. We could do the whole African thing and keep ending every sentence with and you? thereby descending into some whirlpool-slash-vortex that sucks us into its black heart as we desperately try to paper over the cracks of our existence with words like fine and not too bad. What does not too bad even mean? What am I comparing my not too badness to? Leave me alone I’ve got work to do.
Question 2: Did you get a chance to read the document?
Answer: I scanned over it briefly when you sent it but no not really.
Better answer: In what fucking universe do you think I have the time to read the collection of loosely connected ramblings that you purport to be a document. It’s like vomiting up three and a half tons of scrabble tiles and claiming it’s a fucking novel. Shame on you. Shame on all of you. Leave me alone I’ve got work to do.
Question 3: Are you coming to the meeting this afternoon?
Better answer: Yes. And I’ll even be there on time assuming there’s some kind of teleportation device available from the client site to our meeting room so that I can cut out the ten minute walk between buildings after you happily trampled over the Sorry I’m Busy portion in my calendar that I’d concocted specifically to allow me to get back to the office untroubled and, if I was incredibly fortunate, would afford me thirty seconds grace to have a piss. I’ve long since given up on such luxuries as a coffee or some fucking lunch. Actually missing lunch might be a good thing. I’ve seen The Fly and knowing my luck there’ll be some sort of bug in the teleporter and I’ll feel the unnatural but overwhelming desire to vomit over a bagel mid-meeting. No I don’t want a coffee. Leave me alone I’ve got work to do.
Question 4: Would you mind just sitting with them and seeing if they’re on track?
Answer: Sure, no problem.
Better answer: Sure. Why not! There’s nothing that bolsters people’s decision making abilities and strength of character more than sending someone in who knows nothing about the detail of their work to make a call on how they are doing. And I get so much joy out of it! The mind-numbing tedium of trying to get down into the detail of a problem I don’t care about just so you have a single throat to choke if the shit hits the fan is what I live for. Leave me alone I’ve got work to do.
Question 5: Have you got a minute?
Answer: No, not really.
Better answer: Yes. I’ve got several. I imprisoned the little fuckers in a converted jam-jar I keep under my bed and I intend to keep them there until I can establish the right conditions to breed them. Then, when the zombie apocalypse wends its dystopian way through the leafy suburbs near my home I can unleash them onto the unsuspecting hordes in order to buy myself a decent head start. No, I haven’t got any work to do but leave me alone anyway.
paperclip wonderment courtesy of http://www.pixabay.com