Forrest Gump and the Checklist of Doom

It’s been a pretty lousy writing week but a pretty excellent running one.

After four years of trying I finally cracked the 16 minute barrier for the weekly time trial at the club. Did I say cracked? I meant smashed. By the power of GPS I can confirm that the 4km mark was crossed in 15m37s. Sure, in the grand scheme of things Mo Farah probably doesn’t even get out of bed that slowly, but for an old Welsh guy like me, that’s quick.

More importantly, I’ve managed to get the pre-long-run checklist down to a manageable half an hour.

I’m sure there was a point in my life where running basically worked like this:-

• Put on running shoes
• Run

Now, it looks a little more like this.

• Put on long sleeved running shirt
• Put on short sleeved running shirt over long sleeved running shirt
• Remove both shirts after realising you haven’t put on your chest strap for the heart rate monitor
• Dislocate both shoulders trying to get heart rate monitor strap on
• Relocate both shoulders as you remember that it’s easier to put the strap on from the feet up
• Put on long sleeved running shirt
• Put on short sleeved running shirt over long sleeved running shirt
• Remove both shirts after realising you haven’t put on any tape
• Apply surgical tape as protection to both nipples
• Apply surgical tape to the CLF (Chafes Like Fuck) area of the chest just below the heart rate monitor strap
• Put both shirts back on
• Apply vaseline to various CLF areas of the lower body
• SLF (Swear Like Fuck) after remembering you were supposed to put your contact lenses in before covering your fingers in vaseline
• Put on trail shorts
• Put on socks
• Put on shoes
• Put on running watch
• Put on running cap
• Locate hydration backpack
• Fill water bladder
• Connect hose to water bladder and put hydration unit into backpack
• Adjust every strap on the backpack being sure to remove and replace the backpack from your person between each adjustment
• Locate energy bars and add to backpack
• Make up trail mix and add to backpack
• Locate phone and add to backpack
• Locate tissues and add to backpack
• Forget to locate keys and therefore do not add to backpack
• Initialise running watch
• Wait for watch to locate satellites
• Unarm the security beams on the house while satellites are being located
• Exit house (quietly not to wake anyone)
• Re-arm the beams
• Ask watch politely why it still hasn’t located the fucking satellites given that it’s the only job it actually has to do.
• Stretch
• Threaten watch with violence
• Go running

In fairness it does all sound like a bit of a mission. But when you get to see this kind of stuff…

…why would you worry?

Oh, and yes…the very slow person resplendent in blue in the last but one picture is yours truly. Additional proof that the further away from me you get the better I look.