The knock came, as knocks are wont to do, at the precise moment Peter’s skinny arse touched down on the guest loo.

“Sandra? Be a love and get that for me would you? It’ll only be Harris.”

“What does he want?” Sandra’s voice rose as she got closer to the toilet door. “I wish you wouldn’t invite him here on the weekends Peter. He freaks me out.”

“This’ll be the last time my love. I promise. He’s just come to see about the new gardener. Needs someone every second Sunday.”

“You promised that last time. No more Peter. I’m warning you.”

“No more. Agreed. Now will you please let the man in?”


Peter heard the front door slam as he walked downstairs. Yes, see you later then my love.

“Harris. Sorry to keep you waiting.”

“Not at all Peter, not at all.” Harris turned away from the window, looked at Peter’s outstretched hand and grimaced. “I won’t shake if it’s all the same to you.”

“Ah. Yes. OK. Cup of tea then?”

“Don’t trouble yourself for poor old Harris. Who would want tea with me I wonder?” Harris shook his bald head solemnly and sat on the sofa. “The garden looks magnificent Peter. All down to this new chap of yours I suppose? Stark contrast to old Ned. What happened to him by the way?”

“Moved back north last winter. It had been coming for a long time.”


“No. His retirement.”

“I did like old Ned. He was a very serious man but he could trim a bush I’ll give him that.”

“Without a stepladder either. Not like Tyrone.”

Harris raised an eyebrow. “So he has a name. Tyrone. And would I be correct in surmising he is short of stature?”

Peter nodded. “Very. But it doesn’t stop him. Like the bloody grass whisperer he is. Would you like to meet him?”

Harris stood up slowly. “Well I didn’t just come here for a frosty greeting, a moist handshake and to decline a cup of tea.”

“Quite. Quite. Look I must warn you…”

“Go on.”

“Well he’s a bit unsightly. Dreadful scar across his face. Rose bush accident he claims but I’m not so sure. Doesn’t say a lot about his family either. I get the impression he doesn’t like his father much and he mumbled something about…ahem…fucking siblings. He means well but he’s just a bit odd.”

“Don’t we all and aren’t we all? He sounds perfectly normal to me Peter. I have many faults and blemishes. You have that odd little finger. We each have our cross to bear.”

“You’re right of course. I’m just being…well I’m just…” Peter gave up and opened the door to the conservatory. “Tyrone? Could you pop inside? I’ve got someone I’d like you to meet.”

Tyrone stepped into the conservatory and took a swig from a hip flask. “Well. Here I am.”

“Indeed. Here you are indeed,” said Peter. “I’d like to introduce you to an old friend of mine, this is…”

“Harris,” said Harris in a voice that brooked no handshake. “My little birds tell me you’re quite the gardening expert, and I must see on the evidence of Peter’s garden I believe they were right.”

Tyrone’s eyes never left Harris as he took another long pull from his flask. “I find it peaceful. Except when the birds talk too much.”

“Ha!” said Harris with a smile that touched neither his eyes nor indeed his lips. “I like this one Peter. Quite the little imp! So Tyrone. Tyrone, Tyrone. Do you have a last name perchance?”

“Bannister” said Tyrone lifting the flask again, this time draining it completely.

“Steady old boy,” said Peter. “It’s a bit early in the day isn’t it?”

Tyrone put the flask in his pocket and glared at Peter through bloodshot eyes. “It’s what I do. I drink and I grow stuff.”

Harris stood still in a manner that implied a jig of delight. “I’d like you to work for me on occasion if it would suit you Tyrone. I’m over in Highgarden so not too far.”

Tyrone brought forth a second flask from his opposite pocket and unscrewed the cap. “I’ll need money for bus fare up front. Two quid should cover it.”

Harris nodded. “Of course. Here’s a fiver. Consider it a welcome present.”

Tyrone took the money and shook his head. “No. No gifts. A Bannister always pays his debts.”

17 thoughts on “Tyrone

    • Hehe – thanks Mel 🙂 The opening line came out of nowhere as usual – in fact the only thing I had planned for this was using the line “I drink and I grow things” which made me laugh out loud in a meeting when it appeared in my brain. Oops. Glad you had fun with it!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Vic 🙂 Have read the books and watched the shows and Tyrion Lannister (thanks to Peter Dinklage who plays him) is possibly the greatest character ever to grace a fantasy landscape. This was a nice bit of fun to end my evening and I’m very glad you enjoyed it even as a non-GoT addict!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I really like Peter Dinklage in everything I’ve seen him in but couldn’t watch GoT. I think I watched 4 episodes but it was too much of a soap opera. I can’t handle the drama when it doesn’t end, lol. But still, your story was very entertaining. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • He’s a marvellous actor. I loved the books – wasn’t sure I would like the series but it won me over and I’m a fully paid up fan-boy these days! Glad I got to entertain you – appreciate you reading and commenting 🙂


    • Morning Diane – thanks a lot. Was hoping this might fool you for a little while before revealing itself – glad I achieved it! Wasn’t sure if this was good enough to be a potential LS piece which is why I posted it here – but we’ve had a nice little run of stories now at least 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  1. The only GoT reference thicky here got til the end was the ned stark one and I thought it was just a coincidence, so had no idea where this was going. Cool stuff. I’ve never had much time for fan fiction, so it never occurred to me that it can be taken in unexpected directions in this way. I’ve been educated today in that regard.

    Liked by 2 people

    • My writing has been accused of many things but “educational” is a new one 🙂 It’s probably the first time I’ve ventured into fan fiction territory – I don’t really read any and haven’t written any. Just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to write 750 words to enclose a one line joke 🙂 Thanks for reading and commenting – great to hear your thoughts.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Great stuff. I also didn’t get the GoT references until the last line and couldn’t see where it was possibly going, although had noticed a couple of things I thought strange along the way that subsequently made a lot more sense; now I keep spotting more each time I read it! Very clever.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Becky – I wanted to get it readable as a story (albeit a slightly pointless and odd one!) but a lot of the references happened pretty organically. I think I mentioned on another comment that this was all just an excuse to get in a play on words for Tyrion’s finest line (IMHO) “That’s what I do. I drink and I know things.” Best compliment I could get is that you’ve gone back for another read so I’m a happy bunny right about now 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  3. At first I was a little disoriented but the more I read the better it got. Fantastic characterisation. When Tyrone enters the scene having been shot down is great, made the rest of the scene crackle.
    Lines like this don’t hurt 🙂
    Ha!” said Harris with a smile that touched neither his eyes nor indeed his lips.

    Liked by 2 people

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