A Pentagram Of Opening Gambits

I got bored earlier and did a quick search for top tips for a successful blog. Based on the results it’s clear to me that no-one else knows what the fuck they’re doing so I feel strangely comforted. Given that the internet is a place where you can probably confirm and/or deny that the collective noun for opening gambits is indeed a pentagram it’s best to set your expectation-phasers to stun(ningly low).

There were a couple of pearlers in there – perhaps the best of which was, “Be Awesome!”


Here I was settling for a consistent dose of mediocrity where all along what I should have been striving for was a hunka-chunka-burning-awesome.

There were also plenty of calls to Be Yourself! intermingled with the tortured inhuman screams to Know Your Audience!

So with that in mind I solemnly promise that every Monday from now until tomorrow I will write whatever comes into my head and hint that I might be inviting you all around for beers afterwards so we can bond.

Right. Now that’s over with here are my top five opening lines that came into my head in the last ten minutes and may or may not ever get used. Or as I like to call it, the TFOLTCIMYITLTMAMOMNEGU list.

If it were camembert I could understand it…but doing that to a brie just feels…I don’t know…wrong somehow.

In the little used south section of the garden of wonders lay a single lemon tree shaped almost entirely unlike a question mark.

“Put the gun down Reg, I’ve brought jaffa cakes.”

In the quiet hours, our bodies entwined as we had threatened for so long, the spectre of reality dipped its talons to our flesh and ripped away all sense of beginnings…along with the chest wig I’d borrowed from Greek Steve for the occasion.

At the time the dead rat briefly brushed Dave Morley’s semi-exposed genitals the idea that this would be the most normal of all pre-breakfast events would not have crossed his mind.

10 thoughts on “A Pentagram Of Opening Gambits

    • The jaffa cake line is also the one that intrigues me the most – and anything I write down that reminds someone of Robert Rankin is a happy day for me!


  1. All hail the king of opening lines… and endings, and middle bits and to looking at lemon trees in a whole new way. for you have invoked the need to drink another beer to understand the concept of a chest wig?
    Don’t ever stop writing the hunka-chunka-burning-awesomenessermessorous…
    (Yep, I’m leaving now. *Still laughing!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hope the extra beer provided the chest wig enlightenment you sought…and if it failed, double the dose next time 🙂

      Thanks Mel – glad I gave you plenty to laugh at!!


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