Triangulating Newton

“So what have you been up to?”

“The usual.”

“By ‘the usual’ I assume you mean you’ve been writing?”

“If by the simple term ‘writing’ you are suggesting I’ve been pouring heart, soul and spleen in a rorschach splatter on to the virgin white page of a word processor then yes, I’ve been writing. You’ve been playing or whatever it is that you do?”

“Yes. Twenty years of practice and dedication just so I can listen to some pissed up failed roadie scream at me to ‘play some Randy Rhoads! All aboard the crazy train!’ while I try and feign enjoyment grinding my way through Brown Eyed Girl for the millionth time.”

“Sounds satisfying.”

“Hugely.”

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Fragments Of Elastic

I choose to ignore the inhuman screams from the bathroom and continue on to the bedroom.

“I’ve found it love.”

“Found what?” My wife answers with seasoned patience aware, no doubt, that a period of communication consisting entirely of swear words and conspiracy theories is about to begin.

Again.

“The fucking invisible cord attached to my leg. The one that starts pulling the moment I walk away from them and jerks out of their back as soon as I get somewhere close to where I need to be so they can yell DAAAAAAAAAAD or wail like fucking banshees. Basically our children are operated by an invisible mechanism not unlike the one used to get Woody to talk in Toy Story but without the humour or charm.”

“Keep your voice down.”

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I Don’t Want To Turn Into Nothing

As anyone who is a parent can attest to, there is rarely a dull moment when there are kids around. This past weekend alone was filled with moments of extraordinary contrast and wonder.

– The moment when Rhys told me I was the best daddy ever

– The moment when Arwen packed out laughing after learning to say winner winner, chicken dinner

– The moment when Rhys starting riding his bike without training wheels

– The moment when I walked into Arwen’s bedroom after her nap and watched a large lump of poo being quenelled by the movement of the door after she had once again decided to take her nappy off during nap time and had chosen to add some fresh bodily waste to an already beleaguered carpet.

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