Apples Are Not The Only Fruit

“You absolute slutbag of a whore.”

“What? What have I done now?”

“You’re touching her. Even now while I’m talking to you! Put her down, you’re making me vomit.”

“Errm…I’m not entirely sure who you are referring to?”

“That hussy of a laptop keyboard you cheating arsehole! You swore I was the only one.”

“Wait…I can explain…”

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Fragments Of Elastic

I choose to ignore the inhuman screams from the bathroom and continue on to the bedroom.

“I’ve found it love.”

“Found what?” My wife answers with seasoned patience aware, no doubt, that a period of communication consisting entirely of swear words and conspiracy theories is about to begin.


“The fucking invisible cord attached to my leg. The one that starts pulling the moment I walk away from them and jerks out of their back as soon as I get somewhere close to where I need to be so they can yell DAAAAAAAAAAD or wail like fucking banshees. Basically our children are operated by an invisible mechanism not unlike the one used to get Woody to talk in Toy Story but without the humour or charm.”

“Keep your voice down.”

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