To whom it may concern:
I am writing to inform you of my resignation from the position of Acting Junior Vice-Assistant to the Deputy Director of Marketing with immediate effect. I seem to recall something in my original contract about a thirty day notice period but in the spirit of agile management and notwithstanding the fact that I wiped my arse with said document a couple of months back, it’s probably best for all concerned if I slip off quietly into the night.
Go on admit it. You’d love it if I genuinely slipped off into the night. You probably wouldn’t complain too much if I slipped off noisily, say, from a fourteenth-floor window but in the famous words of Mick and the boys…you CAN’T always GET what you WAAAANNNNT.
Or to give it my preferred title, five things I
could should have answered differently today.
Question 1: Morning. How’s it going?
Answer: Fine thanks, and you?
Better answer: I’ll say it’s fine and we both know it isn’t. I’ll then ask you how’s it going with you and you’ll say it’s fine and we both know it isn’t. We could do the whole African thing and keep ending every sentence with and you? thereby descending into some whirlpool-slash-vortex that sucks us into its black heart as we desperately try to paper over the cracks of our existence with words like fine and not too bad. What does not too bad even mean? What am I comparing my not too badness to? Leave me alone I’ve got work to do.
Question 2: Did you get a chance to read the document?
Answer: I scanned over it briefly when you sent it but no not really.
One of the joys of working in an air-conditioned office is that you often get to experience four seasons in a day. I will admit that those seasons with a recognised equinox do pose more of a challenge. Sure, you can come to work armed with a bag of autumnal leaves and a flask of spring rain to help things along but generally Winter and Summer tend to hold sway.
There’s a theory that’s half fact half urban legend that you are legally obliged to be sent home from work if temperatures fall outside certain parameters within the workplace. Lower than 13 degrees or above 30 degrees Celsius seems to be the accepted rumour for the UK. Aussies are much tougher and only start having breaks in their day when it hits 35 but even there it’s apparently hometime when it hits 38. The lower band is unlikely to be problematic down under.