At Least The Grluvians Only Eat Badgers

In a million years from now aliens from the planet Klorg – Klorgians or Klorgs, it matters not – will descend upon Earth. Not that humans will care as we’ll have long since wiped ourselves out, but the cockroach population will be extremely concerned as to the Klorgian staple diet.

As they make their Klorgian way across our once green earth, and navigate our once blue oceans they will no doubt piece together the secrets of our past. They will marvel at the capacity of humans for torture and abject misery; plot their way through the exponential quagmire of humanity and, after unveiling all the horrors the world has to offer, they will arrive at July 5th 2016*

*not literally – they don’t have time travel capabilities. That will only come at the rising of Grluvian Empire another epoch hence.

All seventeen of their slightly beady but unsettlingly intelligent eyes will, as it were, bug-out simultaneously. They will shake their massive, furry heads and make a noise not dissimilar to “Gzhgj” (but not entirely the same either) before immediately* leaving for home, marveling at the depravity of the fallen species of humankind.

*brief pause to collect some cockroaches for the journey notwithstanding.

And what spleen-wobblingly horrible historical artefact will launch them into such a frenzy of Klorgian konsternation…?

That’ll be the Excel document I’ve spent the entire day working on as part of an RFP process.

If you don’t know what an RFP is don’t look it up. Spare your beautiful eyes. Rumour has it that the only thing that can kill Chuck Norris is the mind-numbing tedium of filling out tab after tab of dreary questions cleverly designed to exert maximum WTF-ness upon an unsuspecting soul. Inviting companies to complete RFP documents is like legalising cage fighting where blind puppies go up against velociraptors.

“How did the RFP process go Nigel?”

“It was marvelous Brian. An absolute triumph. Three submitted, five withdrew and a hundred and eighty-three died or went blind. Or both.”

You may wonder why I’m writing this. Surely after a day spent staring at a computer screen the last thing anyone would want to do is to stare at one a bit more?

True.

But y’see…if my kids ask me tomorrow “Dad. What did you do at work yesterday?” I can either respond by saying…

“I spent over thirteen hours having the life sucked out of me by the corporate world while simultaneously having the imagination portion of my brain lobotomised and used as cockroach feed for the greater Klorgian good.”

Or, I could just say…

“Daddy had a very long day. But at the end I wrote some words on a page and life was fine again.”

Yeah. I agree. The line about the greater Klorgian good is way better.

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20 thoughts on “At Least The Grluvians Only Eat Badgers

    • Save me a spot on the virtual couch Mel – I’ll bring the popcorn and beers! Thanks for reading – glad it gave you a laugh, it certainly improved my mood. I think there’s a few more stories in me about the Klorg Dynasty and the Grluvian Empire 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Typical conversation at a arty these days (not that I actually go to any of those).

    I’m a Fireman

    I’m a Policeman

    I’m a Doctor

    I’m a Teacher

    I’m a… umm spreadsheet tappy tappy guy?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha – I hear you. My wife has spent years glazing over when I try to explain what I do every day – I’ve decided with the kids I’m going to focus on the whole writing/running/homebrewing thing and skim over the reality.

      Cheers for the read and the comment – appreciated as always!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You did it – you made me read and enjoy a story about creatures called Klorg – You varlet – I loved this it was truly inspirational, well the bit about words making everything right was – the other bits were creepy, sad, disgusting, scary and just plain confusing in equal measure and you know don’t you – you know that I’m going to have to look up what an RFP is – unless it refers to brains an is Remove Frontal Part in which case I’ve got it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve never been called a varlet before – I will wear it as a badge of honour! I did have a giggle when the Klorgians first entered my brain – it might have just been their hair that tickled my hippocampus but I suspect it was more to do with wondering how you’d get on with them.

      Stay away from all things RFP Diane, you’ll thank me for it one day…

      Like

  3. Hi Nik, a story definitely ahead of its time. You didn’t know! The Klorgians from a million years in our future are actually the evolutionary result of the human race. (See Wikipedia). The visit to Earth is one of their archeological expeditions into the past searching for their origins and of course they are still trying to determine why the coackroach is a favourite staple foodstuff across the universe.
    Fun read.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m already signing you up to ghost-write the continuing adventures of the Klorgians James! If indeed that is your real name and you are not, in fact, the special envoy to the King of the Klorgians reporting my every movement back to the cockroach-obsessed monarchy…

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I’m glad I decided to have a bit of fun with this before heading off to bed – I woke up in a much better mood and reminded myself why I love writing.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Well I looked it up, and I’m still none the wiser… I’m sure however, that the process must be a whole lot more interesting with the involvement of the Klorgians (real or imaginary) and their furry heads- they sound quite cute! Hope to see further adventures from them soon 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Remain in the dark – it’s for your own good! I’m already growing fond of the klorgians – cute might be pushing it but hey, if furry seventeen eyed aliens is your thing… 😉

      Thanks for reading and commenting – always great to hear from you 🙂

      Like

    • I’ve been supplying them roaches on the black market for years so they granted me low key image rights. Will have to remove the picture once my blog hits a million followers (so pretty imminent really).

      I feel your brain melting pain.

      Also, thanks for reading. Commenting. Also. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks muchly! It’s odd how most of my funny stuff is born out of the tedium of working life – maybe having a shit day at work is a pre-requisite for creativity…

      My money’s on the cockroaches taking down the Klorgians (literally) from the inside but that’s another story…

      Cheers for dropping by and commenting. Glad you enjoyed it and always good to hear from you

      Liked by 1 person

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