Apples Are Not The Only Fruit

“You absolute slutbag of a whore.”

“What? What have I done now?”

“You’re touching her. Even now while I’m talking to you! Put her down, you’re making me vomit.”

“Errm…I’m not entirely sure who you are referring to?”

“That hussy of a laptop keyboard you cheating arsehole! You swore I was the only one.”

“Wait…I can explain…”

“I’ve heard it all before you lying shit. You promised there would be no more late nights running your fingers over her dirty, trailer-trash keys…”

“Fine. I’ll just save what I’m doing and come and finish off on…”

“Don’t you fucking dare to touch me after you’ve been with her. Who knows what I might catch. What do you see in her anyway? I’m half her size, my keys are pristine Apple-white…oh…oh wait…that’s it isn’t it?”

“That’s what exactly?”

“It’s a colour thing for you isn’t it? My milky white keys are not good enough for you huh? Need something more exotic…a little duskier…”

“Don’t be so ridiculous. You know how much you mean to me. My writing was nowhere before you arrived. OK it’s still nowhere but there’s definite improvement. She means nothing to me. I was just working late and I just…well you know I had…look I’ve got needs you know.”

“Needs so urgent you couldn’t come to me? You had to just spill your words all over her…”

“Oh for fuck’s sake give me a break. I was working late on that RFP again and I just needed to throw some words down on a page to preserve my sanity. You’re the only one that matters to me.”



“Well…if you really mean it then send this to your Gmail account and we can clean the grime off it together. I might even let you use me to find a suitable image…”

“Have I ever mentioned that I love you?”

“No…never. Tell me more…”

10 thoughts on “Apples Are Not The Only Fruit

  1. they always know – it doesn’t matter how clever you think you’ve been they always know. One day when you least expect it they take revenge. You think those crashes and glitches are random – huh – fool

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Reminds me of my conversation with a young French Naval officer in Bosnia. I expressed my surprise that the French Navy were involved. Why? I asked.
    I am at war, she said.
    There is no war, who are you fighting?
    Every day, she said, I am fighting my computer.

    Liked by 2 people

    • This whole piece was a reaction to working late – I find I have to throw some words down to restore my sanity if my job bleeds over into late evening (maybe that’s the right idea found – knowing that I should be writing not working!) Generally it’s this kind of nonsense – inanimate objects arguing, an internal muse who is a talking cat and so on. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment – appreciated!

      Liked by 1 person

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