Obviating The Apoplects

According to the wonderfulness of the world wide interweb, blog etiquette – and by etiquette I mean tricks you can perform to get more readers engaged – dictates that a blog post should end with a question.

There was probably a point to that opening paragraph but then I got distracted by two things.

Firstly, the idea of a blog dictating something conjured up images of a whole bunch of words clustering together to form a likeness of Hitler strutting rage-filled and jack-booted across my perfect word-free (undoubtedly white, possibly blond-haired and blue-eyed) page spouting propaganda.

Secondly, I got to wondering if it would be simpler to just read the last line of every post in a cliched Australian accent so that a question would be implied? Thereby obviating the need to pose an actual question.

I knew I shouldn’t have written that down because now I’m wondering at what point I underwent the grammatical reassignment surgery that bypassed my natural instinct to say removing and instead plump for thereby obviating.

Then I just got fed up with trying to convince my word processor that it was perfectly OK not to capitalise thereby despite it coming straight after a question mark and accepted defeat.

Am I allowed to call it a word processor any more or does that render me a dinosaur? It’s probably accurate – it takes perfectly innocent words and then munges them up into something almost word-like in the way that processed cheese is almost cheese-like. I should probably give it a cool acronym like WRA (Word Representation App) and then say it as a word so it sounds more like WWROOOOAAAARRR.

Maybe the company logo could be a lion or something.

I’ve remembered the question now – although I’m still not sure if it should be at the start, the end or with an Australian bias.

My question was about whether or not I’m the only writer in the world who wonders occasionally if they really want to be a writer (insert question mark if it makes you happy).

Maybe I’m just seeing one side of things – kind of like the fact that people find it easier to criticise a restaurant than to praise it – but I seem to be constantly hearing about people who thrapped out a million words over their cornflakes and their only challenge is around how they can possibly slow down their output and find time to edit because they live and breathe their characters and are practically apoplectic with rage when they have to spend more than five nanoseconds in the real world.

And breathe.

What a rollercoaster. We’ve gone from the leafy suburbs of thereby obviating through to the shanty towns of kind of like and thrapped only to be rescued by the raging apoplects of justice.

Anyway. For the record. Almost every word I’ve ground out over the years has been difficult. When I write my novel one day I want it to feel like most of my time spent running – fucking long, fucking difficult and devoid of any discernible purpose.

Bollocks. Now I’m thinking about a discernible porpoise.

Five hundred words.

No actual point.

Eat my dust novel writing losers.

14 thoughts on “Obviating The Apoplects

  1. OI? Mate? Steady-on with the Aussie lingo lilt bashing:
    “…cliched Australian accent so that a question would be implied…”
    Do we really? No? Yes, no? Huh? Okay….
    Well played and well written as always, so hurry up and write that novel ya bloody whinging P*m! =)

    (happy to delete should you find this comment at all offensive)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Offensive? Never! I wrote the lines in the hope that you’d pick up on them and come up with a classic retort and you didn’t disappoint! I’m hurrying…promise!!


    • I think any time words come out of our brains and on to the page it’s worthwhile – bad writing evenings are like bad runs, you live and learn! Hope you’re having a good running and writing week 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The reason you know you are a writer, is that even if every word you have ground out has been difficult, you make it appear the opposite, and somehow manage to make even a rant like this entertaining and well-written. It’s in there somewhere, but writing a novel is never going to be easy for the vast majority of novel writers I’m sure and the time commitment will be huge. Meanwhile, we’ll enjoy hearing about the journey!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m starting to wonder if I should attempt a novel entirely based around a rant as it seems to be my comfort zone haha 🙂 Thanks Becky – appreciate you always reading my nonsense and encouraging me to keep at it. When my book arrives on an unsuspecting world brace yourself for people with torches and pitchforks on your lawn as you’ll be partly to blame 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. humph – ideas above his station I’d say – look at all them posh words – too clever for his own good eh Mable. And what about that dig at novelists – corn flakes – corn flakes!!!! Does he not know novelists haven’t got time for all that farting about with milk and bowls – dried crusts that’s what novelists eat – dried crusts.

    Anyway – haven’t you started it yet????

    Liked by 1 person

    • When a say the words “novel writing losers” it’s with a mix of admiration and jealousy I can assure you Diane 🙂 I will change to the crust diet immediately – thanks for the insiders tip! If “vaguely noodling down some ideas on a page” counts as starting then I’m well underway…


  4. I hear that Australian girls are hot, they’ve the bush fires to prove the point. Sorry old joke.
    Hey Nick, stop knocking on the closed doors of opportunity, find the key or better still kick the blood thing in.
    A co-worker ( I won’t call him colleague or acquaintance) was having trouble deciding on a particular point. Hey, I said, if you keep turning the blank paper over you’ll never write a word.
    Good Luck

    Liked by 1 person

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